I feel like the walls are closing in. I think my life is wasted. I don't know what to do.

Unreserved compartments in our trains is the worst place to be if you are sober. Smoking is banned in Trains, but the arseholes don't care about that and they continue to carry on with their shitty work everywhere. Some people even smoke ganja in trains.

When I was travelling from Kochi to Coimbatore in Guwahati Thiruvananthapuram Express (12507 / 15), I met this bloke who started fighting with a man who lighted cigarette. Then when train halted at Palakkad Junction, he threatened to tell about the man to railway police if he smokes again in train. I didn't bother much because I thought he might have had traumatic incidents because of train accidents. After few minutes another man lighted a joint and this guy who was complaining about cigarette went furious and he tried to  hit the man who was smoking joint inside the toilet. Yes, that is where they go to smoke during train journeys. Everyone calmed him down and journey continued. He got down at coimbatore too. So I asked him why he was so furious on that man. I asked him if he was concerned that he might create fire accident.
But he replied that they were forcing him to smoke and that is why he behaved so. Well, I agree with him that they were making us smoke their second hand smoke. I agreed with him that passive smoking has its effects, he said that he has some mental issues with people using recreational drugs. That kindled my interest in his story, so I somehow persuaded him to tell his story. Before I tell his story, I want to give a small idea of how he looked. He had very short hairs, so he must have shaved his head recently. He was wearing a T shirt that way too large for him. He must be wearing something like 38 inch but his T shirt was something like 46 or 48. I assume that he must have got it for free from someone. He was wearing a saffron veatti, but it looked like white since it has lost its dye and I assume it is because of repeated use. He was wearing a black shoe that wasn't polished for years. By looking at these, I would say that he is some poor peasant.  He told me he was working in a call centre attending calls from americans. Usually those guys are seriously fucked up and very stupid. All they know is what they were trained to do, but he doesn't sound like them. In Railway station he plugged his laptop and powered it on. The laptop had no battery and he was booting into Tails operating system via a USB. That is not what you see everyday in Coimbatore, especially by a guy dressed like a hobo. I acted like I didn't know what he was doing. I was hoping for something interesting. I expected him to be hosting some website in tor web with .onion address, but all he did was to go to a non commercial forum and he was ranting about something. Anyway, here is what he said about himself:

These are not his exact words because he was talking to me in Tamil and I somehow managed to translate them.

"I wasn't always like this. I used to be good, real good. In school, I was so famous. Everyone liked me. (He gave such a build up as if he was like Elvis Presley in his school.) I was good in studies, I had great sense of humor. My school mates still remember me as a person whom they can approach if they need to forget everything and to laugh. Then I joined college and everything turned upside down. I stayed at hostel. (as if it was a big deal. In his village they stay with their parents till they die (or their parents die. LOL.)) We have this ragging in our college and they think it was fun. (I was a victim too) Though there were many anti-ragging laws when I joined college (in 2006), it was quite prevalent. There were fights between gangs in college and we (the new joinees) have to join the seniors who ragged us and we had to beat up the opposite gang. Or else we will be beaten up by these seniors. So many things happen in fight. (Blah Blah Blah. He was just staying a completely different story that I think as irrelevant to his story, so I omitted it here.) As a part of ragging I was forced to smoke marijuana. It was my first recreational drug of any sort. I haven't even had a beer / cigarette before in my life. I was required to smoke the kush for few weeks as a part of ragging. Then everything became settled in couple of months. But I found myself smoking the marijuana quite often and before I realised it, I was addicted. So alcohol and marijuana become part of my daily routine. In second year I improvised. By that what I meant is "I started using LSD and cocaine." I was thrown out of college in third year. I moved back to home. My parents were so worried. But I continued what I used to do. I just couldn't help it. Once I was caught by coppers while buying marijuana. My parents had to bribe them to release me. We were in huge debts because of that. We had to bribe them in Lakhs.
Then slowly I was able to lose the drug habit and I joined a company for a job. It was a call centre (or sweatshop of modern India.) I was already in huge debt (450000 INR) because of the educational loan that I took for college. And the other debt of 100000 INR for bribing the police. But the meager wage that I got 8000 INR cannot even pay half the interest of these debts. In this situation my dad lost his job and his health condition deteriorated. And I have a brother who is not mentally sound. He is still like a toddler in mind. With all these in my mind, I somehow managed to stay clean.

Things got worse. Last month I was fired for not making enough sales. I couldn't go home to face my parents, so ODed on my prescription medicines and I relapsed. I lost my mind and I took drugs. I know that I shouldn't do it. But I just couldn't help it. I don't know what to do. Everytime I close my eyes, the dark thoughts fill my mind. I just feel like I want to massacre everyone around me. I feel like I want to rob people. I am just not fit to be on streets anymore. Killing all the people in a mall, slitting their throats and bombing railway stations are the only things that come in my dream."

I interrupted him and said, "you will be thrown in jail. or maybe even hanged."

He replied, "That sounds good. If I am in Jail, I won't do any crazy stuff. I should surrender myself to coppers. But they won't arrest me because I haven't done anything. But I think I should do a small crime and get nicked so that I can go to jail before I do something crazy."

I realized that he was still high and I was afraid that actually he might do something. But I realized he is such a pussy. He is complaining about the world. He is trying to blame his seniors and the society for the position he is in. I don't think so. He should've been careful. He should've stayed with his thoughts, but he was getting high on drugs when he should have studied. What comes around goes around. What a loser!